Friends, I know I said I’d post more. I meant it.
I thought things were starting get back to normal. Or, more accurately, that we were settling into our new normal, which was just a little bit more painful and hard than normal was before.
And then February hit, and something changed. I’ve been trying to figure out what, exactly, and the best I can figure it’s this: there is a time in the middle of a pregnancy (I imagine) where being pregnant is just part of life. The beginning is scary and fun and exciting, and you’re announcing and experiencing all the firsts of having a tiny human growing inside you. And then you’re not sick every single day and you have more energy, and everyone already knows, and you’re just living life. And then the third trimester hits and you’re having showers and painting nurseries and packing a hospital bag.
And I am desperately missing those things. I would give almost anything to be huge and uncomfortable and scared and excited. But instead I’m just sad.
I knew the due date and the days surrounding it would be hard, but I didn’t expect it to be this hard for so long. I didn’t expect it to hurt this much.
I can be fine one minute and crying the next. I feel crazy. Now, in a logical moment, crying over a baby you lost is not crazy. It’s a horrific experience. But when you’re chopping veggies and start crying for “no” reason, it’s a little difficult to convince yourself that it’s okay to feel how you do.
And since I’m sharing my crazy with you all, If I’m being honest, I think that I’m still angry with myself (and with my body) that my sweet baby didn’t live. I know (logically) that it’s not my fault and that there was a reason that this baby did not survive. I know that there is nothing I could do. But I want to hold her and I can’t, and I can’t figure out anyone else to be angry at.
My would-have-been due date is my sweet hubby’s birthday. I love my husband and am super thankful that he was born, and even though his birthday is going to be hard, I also really want it to be special for him. So we’re going to Seattle. We’re making memories that are happy. We’re getting away. I am excited to have tons of new experiences to blog about when we get back.
Even in this very difficult season, there are things to be thankful for, such as:
Ceramics and pieces that actually turn out (at least sort of) like I intended. Much like arranging flowers and gardening, having your hands in the dirt (or clay) is, I’m convinced, good for the soul.
Sleepovers with one of my very favorite little people and morning cartoon snuggles in the fort. This amazing kid has a huge heart, and I am lucky to be loved by him.
Sweet Harlow, the dance marathon, and a circle of people in my life who support the people and causes I care about. I am honored and challenged by Harlow, Ben and Jamie’s strength and courage, and feeling especially thankful that amazing little Harlow had her second to last chemo treatment this week.
Cooking club. One night a month that I get to share the table with women that I love. Good food and conversations with “my people” are so good for my heart. Also family dinner for all the same reasons.
And last, but certainly not least, I am so thankful for the hints of spring we’ve had this past week. I wore flip flops, opened the windows, bought fresh flowers, and went on a nice long walk with my hubby.
(Sorry about the edit… I was switching between my phone and computer and somehow didn’t get my last changes saved…oops.)